I'm having one of those days....

I'm having those days where i wake up and i feel horrible about myself, where i don't wanna see anyone and not go anywhere, where all i want is music and a book, where no one questions my every move, where going to school is a no go at all and then i end up in my mom's office in front of the comp keeping track of her tankers, and then listening to music, doing my stupid Chinese homework which teaches me nothing, and then do some clerk work but all i really want inside is to go back to my room and curl up, read a book, text my friends, write poems, snippets, stories, songs but when can i really get what i want? when will it ever come true? i guess it wont... these are just my ever ranting wants of fantasies....

i am crazy about music... i can listen to it all day and not eat or drink anything.... and not go anywhere...

i am a book lover... give me a book... one that i will enjoy and you wont hear a single sound come out of my throat until i am done.... sometimes, even without music and a book, i wont say anything...

its just the way i am.... its not that i am shy or anything... i just don't wanna say anything... just wanna dream.... think... analyze something in silence.... just want to explore those random thoughts that i have kept within me and no one can see.... hear... or feel the same as i do..... i just want to go to that place where no one can hurt me... where i am who i am and if you aren't happy with it, then go away... sadly, reality isn't like that... so these thoughts are personal or rather secrets....

there is these fury bubbling underneath my skin... so badly i want to let go... but i know... once i do, i will be exposed... the secrets within will burn the bridges i have so carefully built with my loved ones... and the thoughts i have kept hidden will be explored by them that i will be a vulnerable piece of meat left to the wolves and vultures to finish off.....
what am i suppose to do? my father wants me to be the dream he could not have a doctor he says one that has a 4.0GPA and nine A's for SPM one that learns chinese all through secondary school one that exceeds all my other sisters but deep down, is that really what i want? being a doctor means saving lives and one wrong move could finish ones life one wrong move and a mother, father, sibling, friend, partner, boss could be gone forever... one wrong move and his career and dreams could disappear foreveer.. one wrong move and all will be lost... it would mean that i might not be around for those holidays, birthdays, and parties that my whole family will attend without me.. it would mean my dreams of being something else would be demolished.. it means i would be living someone else's dream... A doctor means endless studying, focus, attentive, swift and accurate actions... Can I? Will I? Should I? Could I? Music is in my soul, body, mind, in my blood! My sis Charlotte says I'm brainy, but am I? Am I brainy enough to be a doctor? One that saves lives? Am I tough enough to survive that? 4 years of medical school and 2 years of internships? People say i think differently I am a fourteen year old but i dont look and think or speak like one They say I speak like a seventeen or eighteen year old Is it my fault that i grew up with siblings that are five years older than me? is it my fault that i wanted to watch cartoons but all i watched is MTV? Is it my fault that i stopped watching cartoons at a age of 5? is it my fault that i could be a art stream student but i will be forced into science stream anyway? is it my fault that i cant express the way i feel in my family? that i will forever be considered a quiet shy and sweet child child... not teen.. not adult... just a child.... innocent... sweet.. untouched... child.... they all say i am brighter than my age smarter.... more attentive.... more complicated and sophisticated than many my age.... but still i am considered a child...

All i ever wanted is to be loved, but it seems as if it hardly ever happens in my family
my fathers love is given onl when you reach his standards
i never really did
i represented Sabah for English speech and he wasn't even happy
when i got 2nd in class
he said why couldnt you get the first place
when i got 97 for my english paper he said why not a hundred
when i won a karaoke competition
all he said was i wasted my time
i never was the golden child
they always say that the youngest is the spoiled one
sadly, there is no such thing as spoiled in my family
we were brought up to be independent
to do things as we were told
we were living better than average people
but for some reason
i wanted to be just like those people
they played in the rain
they had as much candy as they wanted
when they wanted to go out with their friends
their parents just let them
when they failed nothing happen to them
when they lost something
it would be replaced
in our family, you lose it
you earn it back yourself
you want to go out
do something here first and earn the outing
you fail you lose a priviledge
using the comp, tv or room
we learnt to live the hard way then the easy way
they say its better for you
but they dont actually realize how much it affects your childhood
we were never really born with a silver spoon in our mouths
but we did live better than alot
i know this sounds like a complaint
but i'm not
i'm just tired of living up to expectations and not fulfilling them

argh... the pressure

i'm done for now.. hehe

Joyce