Teen stars i admire...

There are a couple of stars that I admire...
A couple are mine..
A couple are for my friends...
The rest is up to you to figure out...

haha,
Joyce

Getting used to....

Apparently, a lot is changing now.
The weather, the cost of living, pretty much affects everything else.
Another thing changing? Me.
I'm a fourteen year old but a lot say I don't act like one, it can be a compliment sometimes but it can be a little insulting too.
Its cause of how i grew up.
When i turned 5, I started watching MTV instead of cartoons.
I understood a lot of things before the time came.
And the one thing about my family is we have this thing.
This aura that feeds people the thought that says I'm rich but the truth is we're not.
I'm not saying we're poor but we are just well to do.
My sisters say they've been through it.
but i guess they don't tend to analyze stuff like i do.
I tend to over analyze things.
It can be a gift but also a curse i guess.
The fact that all our lives we are being called rich kids, bothers me a little.
It can be a tease sometimes but sometimes a little suffocating.
I used to be this simple kid but now everything is so complicated.
And the worst part is sometimes i cant say anything.
I just keep it in.
Maybe one day I'll spill it all out. Just maybe.
haha. but till then, I'll be positive.
Or rather I'll try!

haha,
Joyce

Crazy, funny and eccentric days

I have had some pretty crazy weird funny days lately!

the form ones now are super stupid!
Their conversations:
" My friend brought a stapler to school today!"
" I ate babi, you know!"

Lia, Mich and me were like: "wow, thats like crazy dangerous!" "thats so brave and daring!"
which is just our sarcasm and witty fun to play with their itty bitty brains! hahhha!

I have a crazy tight schedule nowadays! i wake up at eight eat breakfast, study, get ready for sch, go to sch, come back from sch, take a shower, do my homework, write stuff to myself, watch tv then zzz. I rarely spend time with family anymore. I rarely have heartfelt talk to my mom or dad or sisters. just the occasional have you studied is as close as it gets!

And the homework is stacked sky high! chinese sentences, english choral speaking, sej and geo proj, math and science peka... adui.... pengsan ni.......

I am like a hyper active kid who finally understands exhaustion!
hahaha!

well, thats about it!

haha,
Joyce

disgust...... hate.... jealousy... unnecessary wants...

I am disgusted by girls who date guys just because they asked... not because he is the guy she likes but because he asked... the guys hang around but all she does is act cool and not interested then when they break up she gets all sad and cries and says things like he doesn't care about her.. LIKE WTF?! hello! when he hung around you, the only person who didn't care was you!

I hate the way my life is! I hate the way I have to live with people who are constantly paranoid of one another! I hate the way people around me have a better life than I do! I hate the way I am forced into things I hate doing! I hate knowing the fact that in my family its wrong to say no to a chore or something asked! I hate my life! I am not complaining! Its just the way it is!

I am jealus of other people's lifestyle! I jealous about knowing that my parents aren't the best they can be! I jealous! Knowing there are better parents out there! I am jealous!

I have unnecessary wants! I want more clothes! I want a bigger room! I want chocolate! I want more money to spend! I want a better phone! I want a boyfriend! I want better friends!(no offence to the ones i have now) I just want extra stuff! I want!

argh. in a snappy mood right now.

i hate you,
Joyce

GossipGirl!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you, who don't know me that well, i like gossip girl! no thats a understatement I LOVE GOSSIP GIRL! For no apparent reason, i like it! i guess its because there are cute guys pretty girls well crafted lies and the pretty things they wear! Me, Mich and Lia have been following the series week to week now! haha! and the drama keeps on pouring in!

WE ARE HUNGRY FOR IT AND WE WANT MORE! just like we want Lia to bake more brownies coz they are good! hehehehe

haha,
Joyce

a poem from a friend that got me hooked on to poetry

You see in me,
What you wish to be,
But what I show,
Is truth you wish not know,

The truth I show,
Is what you don’t wish to know,
Therefore you turn away,
While it eats you day by day,

Yet it keeps me safe,
For I am in essence a waif,
Easily shattered,
Taken for granted,

Love me,
Break me,
I am a mirror,
Reflecting what you see

I am the the cup of coffee you thought was tea, i may seem simple and easy, yet i am deeper than the pacific sea...

Crazy about music,

Crazy about you,

Crazy about life

and what i have to do...

Joyce

I'm having one of those days....

I'm having those days where i wake up and i feel horrible about myself, where i don't wanna see anyone and not go anywhere, where all i want is music and a book, where no one questions my every move, where going to school is a no go at all and then i end up in my mom's office in front of the comp keeping track of her tankers, and then listening to music, doing my stupid Chinese homework which teaches me nothing, and then do some clerk work but all i really want inside is to go back to my room and curl up, read a book, text my friends, write poems, snippets, stories, songs but when can i really get what i want? when will it ever come true? i guess it wont... these are just my ever ranting wants of fantasies....

i am crazy about music... i can listen to it all day and not eat or drink anything.... and not go anywhere...

i am a book lover... give me a book... one that i will enjoy and you wont hear a single sound come out of my throat until i am done.... sometimes, even without music and a book, i wont say anything...

its just the way i am.... its not that i am shy or anything... i just don't wanna say anything... just wanna dream.... think... analyze something in silence.... just want to explore those random thoughts that i have kept within me and no one can see.... hear... or feel the same as i do..... i just want to go to that place where no one can hurt me... where i am who i am and if you aren't happy with it, then go away... sadly, reality isn't like that... so these thoughts are personal or rather secrets....

there is these fury bubbling underneath my skin... so badly i want to let go... but i know... once i do, i will be exposed... the secrets within will burn the bridges i have so carefully built with my loved ones... and the thoughts i have kept hidden will be explored by them that i will be a vulnerable piece of meat left to the wolves and vultures to finish off.....
what am i suppose to do? my father wants me to be the dream he could not have a doctor he says one that has a 4.0GPA and nine A's for SPM one that learns chinese all through secondary school one that exceeds all my other sisters but deep down, is that really what i want? being a doctor means saving lives and one wrong move could finish ones life one wrong move and a mother, father, sibling, friend, partner, boss could be gone forever... one wrong move and his career and dreams could disappear foreveer.. one wrong move and all will be lost... it would mean that i might not be around for those holidays, birthdays, and parties that my whole family will attend without me.. it would mean my dreams of being something else would be demolished.. it means i would be living someone else's dream... A doctor means endless studying, focus, attentive, swift and accurate actions... Can I? Will I? Should I? Could I? Music is in my soul, body, mind, in my blood! My sis Charlotte says I'm brainy, but am I? Am I brainy enough to be a doctor? One that saves lives? Am I tough enough to survive that? 4 years of medical school and 2 years of internships? People say i think differently I am a fourteen year old but i dont look and think or speak like one They say I speak like a seventeen or eighteen year old Is it my fault that i grew up with siblings that are five years older than me? is it my fault that i wanted to watch cartoons but all i watched is MTV? Is it my fault that i stopped watching cartoons at a age of 5? is it my fault that i could be a art stream student but i will be forced into science stream anyway? is it my fault that i cant express the way i feel in my family? that i will forever be considered a quiet shy and sweet child child... not teen.. not adult... just a child.... innocent... sweet.. untouched... child.... they all say i am brighter than my age smarter.... more attentive.... more complicated and sophisticated than many my age.... but still i am considered a child...

All i ever wanted is to be loved, but it seems as if it hardly ever happens in my family
my fathers love is given onl when you reach his standards
i never really did
i represented Sabah for English speech and he wasn't even happy
when i got 2nd in class
he said why couldnt you get the first place
when i got 97 for my english paper he said why not a hundred
when i won a karaoke competition
all he said was i wasted my time
i never was the golden child
they always say that the youngest is the spoiled one
sadly, there is no such thing as spoiled in my family
we were brought up to be independent
to do things as we were told
we were living better than average people
but for some reason
i wanted to be just like those people
they played in the rain
they had as much candy as they wanted
when they wanted to go out with their friends
their parents just let them
when they failed nothing happen to them
when they lost something
it would be replaced
in our family, you lose it
you earn it back yourself
you want to go out
do something here first and earn the outing
you fail you lose a priviledge
using the comp, tv or room
we learnt to live the hard way then the easy way
they say its better for you
but they dont actually realize how much it affects your childhood
we were never really born with a silver spoon in our mouths
but we did live better than alot
i know this sounds like a complaint
but i'm not
i'm just tired of living up to expectations and not fulfilling them

argh... the pressure

i'm done for now.. hehe

Joyce

The effects Music has on me...

Music is such a strong word with an even stronger sound

it can rumble beneath your feet or cry in your ears take away your fears

and replace them with tears

a never ending cycle of lifes greatest years

the innovation and creation that freshens the mind and sterilizes the soul

and only you will know how far it can go

it can take us to places we hope will last

or take us back to then and dwell in the past

covering every emotion with devotion of a single word

creating a time in our life and a place in our hearts

from yesterday to tomorrow the music keeps playing...

a topic all girls love but i keep my silence....

There is one topic which all girls like myself love to talk about....that is ........(drumroll)....... BOYS!
i don't exactly keep my silence but more of i only tell my best friends kinda thing....
hah!

Boys are eye candy, cute, sweet, fun and sometimes if they come along, HOT! Boys can sometimes drive you up the wall! Boys can make you drool! Boys can make you trip over a stick! Boys can also make you do things you never even dreamed about! Amazing isn't it what the opposite sex can do!

To say i haven't liked a guy before would be the biggest lie i have ever told and also a sad case which i thank god i do like boys! haha!

I like boys who make me laugh, giggle, bubbly inside and most all of understand me! like me! respect me for who i am! and this has to be a boy who speaks at least good English and is presentable!

Lets talk about cute boys we can only dream of meeting! haha!

Joyce

there has been this sudden surge...

All of a sudden, everything in school changes!

Puan Lily the HEM teacher said our shoes cant have black rims! LIKE WHAT!? and then the socks! I WOULD LIKE TO ASK! WHAT HAS SOCKS AND SHOES HAVE TO DO WITH OUR EDUCATION?!

Then came the hair, i have slightly curly hair, Puan Yap the disciplinary teacher said to me: Did you perm your hair? I went: no!... she was like: fine, anyway anyone caught with a hair style will be suspended from school! FYI! Tying up your hair in a ponytail is also a hair style!

Our school teachers are crazy, demented, self centered, self obsessed, selfish people and only working as teachers because there is nothing else to put food on the table for them!

Then, it came down to suspension! they suspend all students who miss extra classes three times! the teachers don't turn up most of the time and when they do they don't teach! so what is the point of going?

they say respect your teachers! respect can't be given! it must be earned! how can they earn our respect by not turning up or even worse not teaching?

Joyce

compilations of feelings.....

I have known you my whole life
when i was ten, i moved away
i got used to living without you
but i keep dreaming about you
i guess i was in love with your memory
you know i love you
i really do
but i cant fight anymore for you
maybe we will be together again
sometime
in another life
can you save me from the hurt?
will you take my hand and run?
when its dark, will you hold me through the night?
when we are miles and miles apart, do I hold your heart?
when i fall, will you catch me?
do you see my pain ?
do you even care?
was this all a game?
feeling cold all of a sudden...
you shouldn't have left me standing alone....
i used to run to you but now you're history...
you were that boy that makes a girl lose control
you know he's a heartbreaker
but he's so hard to resist
if you only knew
she's got an body like an hour glass
no wonder boys stare
i guess second chances they dont ever matter
people never change
sometimes vengeance feels good
it does feel good when you got them
where you want them to be
i watched his wildest dreams come true
none of them involving you
i always tried to keep you satisfied
but sometimes i feel like we're in the same room
but living two worlds apart
now my hearts in two
and i cant find the other half
its like i'm walking on broken glass
better believe i bled
you're like the call i'll never get
we're ending the final score
why do we like to hurt so much?
you have made it harder just to go on
i guess this is what you get when you let your heart win
now all i want to do is find a way back into love
now all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes
and tell me that he loves me
and when he holds me in his arms
and knows that its forever
i've found my paradise
when he looks me in the eyes
__________________________________________________________
this is just a draft of my feelings inside
and this is not for anyone
and it wasnt made for that someone
just from me to you

XOXO,
Joyce

why i hate mondays.....

I hate mondays...... mondays are bad for me health.... especially this yesterday... which was monday......

i woke up at eight forty.... went downstairs to watch some music videos before having breakfast....
then my dad came down and we watched the repeat of wimbledon finals: nadal vs federer.... was super cool and alas, nadal won! woohoo! we had breakfast and had the usual where is your goal and are you working for it? lecture....

i did some last minute homework before leaving for school.... when i reached school, i went straight for my kemahiran hidup class... the teacher doesnt teach..... after that we went for assembly....

this is the moment all students dread... sitting and listening how dirty and stupid we are... so during one of the teachers many lectures i took my glasses down and wiped them clean but the moment i wiped, the right side of my specs snapped off.... i was in shock..... the first thought that came into my mind... how am i suppose to tell mom?.... i called my dad after assembly, he said get some plain ones first, we'll get the nice one later.... hehe..... thank god for a understanding dad! my mom was the usual nagging one all the way but she got me contacts to wear for todays school! but I'm kinda chicken for wearing these to school! feel weird without me glasses! sigh...

XOXO,
Joyce

MY FRIENDS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!

MY friends are like the second most important thing to me in my life!( second to family) They somehow manage to tolerate my bad side which consist of my snapping, irritating, judging, weird and etc me.... I cannot possibly imagine my life without them!

TO LIA AND MICH, MY BIGGEST KISS ON THE CHEEK AND A BEAR HUG TO BOTH OF YOU! FOR YOU ARE LIKE MY SISTERS!

TO KAREN AND MORGAN, YOU GUYS HAVE KEPT CONTACT WITH ME AND WE ALL HAVE SHARED OUR SORROWS TOGETHER EVER SINCE OUR KINDIES!

Once again, to let you, the audience, know! My friends are important to me! Not just because of their outlook or how rich they are! Yes, some of them are rich! But what i most appreciate in a friends is who they are! Just them being themselves! thats what i like! ORIGINALITY!

Yeah... i know i may not be the bestest of best friends! but i am trying to be! and hopefully i will be someday!

XOXO,
Joyce

EMOs, friends, family, pain...

life comes with pain, sacrifice, and patience which sometimes it all seems hard to bear but believe me... i'm not stupid enough to turn EMO! EMO's slit their wrist and think its so cool to see the blood dripping out but listen! it isn't cool and it isn't nice! it hurts! you're hurting yourself you stupid thing!

Next topic is Friends......
I actually have friends that i can rely on but sometimes a sense of doubt engulfs me.... if i tell them too much, they might hurt me... if i tell them a little, will they uncover it all... if i dont tell them any part of me, are they really my friend or just friends with the part they see?

Family....
all parents fight with each other... but if a word, separation, drops out of their mouths during the fight, as a child, doesn't it scare you.... i am scared as this isn't the first time i've heard it... if it really happens, who will i pick? or what will happen? or even will i ever see my other parent ever again?

altogether, Fear and Pain....
putting salt to the wound as they say is when i may be the cause of all this, i have thought about it.... maybe if i weren't born, my three sisters would be better, smarter, but then again God doesn't make mistakes so i guess i should be happy that i'm alive but you know, i was once told by my sisters that maybe i wasn't meant to be here, i was a mistake, still it rings in my ears.......

conclusion:
Pain is a rock in your shoe when you are running, it hurts at first and you get used to it, but once in a while it jabs you here and there but it will never leave your shoe.....

XOXO,
Joyce

i'm in that stage of life.... where i hate everything....

I hate school! yes... I know... school is good for me... there is education and wisdom and all that other crap but i seriously from my soul and out i hate it! I DREAD GOING TO SCHOOL TO SEE 'MAGGOTS' 'RATS' 'LEECHES' AND sluts............... my school has teachers that dont teach... they come in and say do page ... and they dont even teach us how to do it... they say figure it out yourself... like WTF!?.... the kids in this school are hooligans... barbarians.... ignorant and ungrateful.....

guys act like mobsters... all they do is walk like idiots and fight.... girls act like they are so cute but its so disgusting you could barf! PLEASE LEARN HOW TO SMILE AND NOT POUT AND SCRUNCH UP YOUR FACE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST ATE A LEMON! and also to those girls who think they are so "EMO"! puh-lease! cutting your wrist just cause your bored?? are you like stupid or are you stupid? if you want to see blood, might as well you stab your jugular vein at your throat and see the blood jetting out like a hose!

then, it comes back to teachers! i have a teacher who is such a bastard even the most patient man could lose his patience with such an asshole! when someone doest use a compass to draw parallel lines but the answer is correct. you dont come banging and saying you are not paying attention! like what!? all the teachers in this school except for some sane teachers, are freakin irresponsible, irritating, mentally ill and down right rude! at least 60% of the teachers mis-use their rights as teachers! for heaven sake, you are a teacher! your job is to teach us right not give us stress!

argh.... stupid school....

XOXO,
Joyce